This week, my Kinyarwanda study wasn’t as productive as I would have liked. Sure, I was sick for the duration of it. In fact, I continue to be sick, which is probably an indicator, at this time in the semester, that I allowed myself to get worn down, concentrating too much on external commitments (i.e. school, work) without allowing myself the necessary time to focus on the internal (i.e. mind, body, spirit). I can recognize this and understand that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself about it, but still I am frustrated. I don’t want my language study to decelerate or even stop, before the end of the semester, particularly as it sets a bad precedent for a time in which I will not have school to structure it.
Accordingly, this week reminded me that independent language study isn’t strictly about managing what I am learning and at what rate, but also my emotional levels. If I was in a formal classroom, my slowed language study might be an indication that to some instructors that I am lazy or unmotivated or *some other negative adjective*, but as I am both instructor/student (in a way), I am privy to both sides. I am:
doing it! but not fast enough!
learning! but not enough!
trying! but not hard enough!
exceeding! but not enough!
doing things at my own pace! but it’s not enough!
Oh! Enough of the not enough! Indeed, whereas a formal classroom might explicitly state what is enough and what is not enough, my independent language study allows me to determine that for myself. While that, in and of itself, might be a bit challenging, insofar as it lends itself to getting in my own and staying there (which distracts from the task at hand), it also pushes me to find a balance between what I am doing, what I want to be doing, and what I have to do to get there. And that just has to be enough for now!
Murakoze, kandi murabeho!
Katie, I know exactly what you mean with (not) enough theme, which is well express through your lines. 2 weeks ago I felt it was time to create space with learning. As a reflective observer, I needed that time to self-reflect and think of a next step i.e. assessment for the class, or future for my learning.
ReplyDeleteLearning might just mean, take time away to reconsolidate and summarize what you learned so far.
I both empathize with this feeling -- I've definitely had it myself -- and also want to tell you: You are enough! You're working hard and it's paying off, even if you can't fully see it yet.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I think the hardest thing about this whole independent learning experiment is figuring out the 'right' pacing of my learning. I have a constant, nagging fear that I'm going too slow. And yet, when I reflect upon my progress so far, I feel proud. So what's off: my expectation about how much progress I'd make? Or my ongoing expectations of how fast I should be going? It sounds a lot like what you're describing here!